I Probably Should Not Admit This


I worked as a glassblower making dildos and butt plugs for a living.  No, this is not what I have been keeping secret.  Actually, I’m quite proud of this and try to find ways to work it into my conversations.  “How about this Presidential campaign, huh?  Boy, it’s really heating up!  You know….. that reminds me of when I used to heat up Pyrex to about 3,000 degrees and fashion it lovingly into butt plugs…..”.    Though it was completely unnecessary, I had a business card made that read:

Greg [redacted]
Blower of Dicks and Seller of Schlongs
Free Installation With Purchase!

I may even get my headstone to read something like:

Here lies Greg [redacted]
Butt Plug Artisan
Born XX/XX/197X  -  Died XX/XX/20XX
Though He Has Gone Home To Jesus
His Work Will Live On In & Out Of Us

Continue reading

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Smoke In The Laundry Chute


This post was created after reading Confession of a Serial Titflasher’s post Hotels and Hovels.

HotelI worked in a very run-of-the-mill hotel in the Southeastern US for my second job at the age of 16.  Titflasher is right about how people let their sex lives completely fly in the open in hotels.  Trysts in hallways, “toys” left indiscriminately lying around the room and forced voyeurism to satisfy a guest’s need for exhibitionism… all not uncommon.  Actually, it’s not just sexual.  Many people take their time at hotels to be a chance to shed the skin of polite society and revert to their feral natures in myriad ways. Continue reading

The Feet Don’t Lie


NOTE:  To keep this simple, I am going to assume heterosexual roles for each of my hypothetical people in these situations.

One of my earliest posts was called Body Language in Human Mating Rituals.  While the observations in it were correct, I have to admit I kind of bombed that one.  It was quickly written without adequate time nor thought given to it.  Body language can be very complex.  Sometimes it is as if every part of someone’s body is singing to you and you’re trying to merge each voice into a chorus that tells you a truth beyond words.

The first thing that I teach anyone about reading body language is to look at the feet.  Not only are they one of the easiest, most unambiguous things to read on a person, they tend to tell the truth on a body that may be lying.  Sometimes consciously but I would guess most times not, people try to stifle their body language.  They tend to do this from the head down.  Keeping a poker face would be the first thing you think about.  Keeping your upper body stiff or unnaturally held would be next.  Your legs and feet, however, seem to be oblivious to your mendacity and just hang out down there doing their own thing. Continue reading

My OKCupid Profile


My Self-Summary

Just like everyone else, I am a special snowflake.

Always assume I’m joking.

I am a bi-pedal paradox, a consistent contradiction.

I once made three different people do spit-takes in under a minute. For this I am proud.

I try to find the humor in everything, sometimes even when I shouldn’t.

I always get the bible and the Harry Potter series confused. Continue reading

Your Argument is Invalid


A couple of things I wrote just before the anti-gay amendment vote in NC:

“There are 31,173 verses and 774,746 words in the bible. There are 508 verses commanding you to love (NIV). There are less than half that on judging and those are saying to not do it.
If you choose to focus on 2 verses (.006 %) of the bible to deny other people their pursuit of love free from judgement, you need to take a long, objective look at how Christian you really are.” Continue reading

Another Message You Should Not Send On OKCupid


NSFW

Setup:  I met someone that I really liked.  She was very attractive and funny.  Because I once made sex toys for a living, we’d already had a good bit of sexual discussion before we’d even met.  I felt like I connected with her and her personality was just awesome, but she told me she was already involved with someone sexually.  Her description of him was one of a big, muscular, lumberjack with a beard.

Something you should know about me.  I generally don’t give a shit  Don’t get me wrong.  I might be one of the most kind and giving people you could ever hope to meet.  While I have a basic human need to want to be loved and accepted, I don’t modify my behavior to try to get people to like me.  Either they’ll like me for who I am or not.  I’m not going to be any different.  I am not deterred from competition.  Also, I have testicles the size of Texas, balls the size of Boston, cohones the size of Chicago…. Continue reading

Pop Song Dissection – Deceptacon – Le Tigre


Who took the bomp?

Every day and night
Every day and night
I can see your disco disco dick is sucking my heart out of my mind
I’m outta time
I’m outta fuckin time
I’m a gasoline gut with a vaseline mind, but
Wanna disco?
Wanna see me disco?
Let me hear you depoliticise my rhyme.
One! Two! Three! Four!
You got what you been asking for.
You’re so policy free and you’re fantasy wheels and everything you think
and everything you feel is alright, alright, alright, alright, alright. Continue reading