My Best Face


Alright… I have no problems telling people that I’m on OKCupid.  I obviously don’t take it (or much else) very seriously.  It’s simply a chance to meet new people and have fun.  I finally uploaded a third photo yesterday and noticed that OKCupid has a feature call My Best Face.  They have your photos judged by other members and then tell you which was is determined to be your most attractive picture.  What I did not realize is that they show you who voted for you and who they chose you over or vice versa.  Luckily I am equipped with a titanium-plated ego….

First of all, I beat the following:

I’m sure this was a close call but I beat out what looks like a vintage comic book cover.

Comic - Lost

Here’s one I personally don’t understand.  I would have voted on Dr. Pimpenstein over me any day of the week.

Pimp - Lost Continue reading

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Me In Negative


PROTIP: Not that funny until you hover your cursor over the links, then still not that funny…. but I was bored so go to hell.

khaaaaaan!!

My OKCupid Nemesis’ profile in toto:
40 / F / Straight / Single
[redacted, North Carolina (2441 miles)
0% Match
0% Friend
99% Enemy

budlight1971!!!!

I’m really good at
Cleaning and calming kids down

The first things people usually notice about me
Is I’m outgoing

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
I like all kinds of music

I’m looking for

  •     Straight guys only
  •     Ages 34–66
  •     Near me
  •     Who are single
  •     For new friends

You should message me if
U like my profile

Dearest budlight1971,

Ur profile is a testament to the power of understatement.  I see you are a Sagittarian – a heavy smoker and heavy drinker with a dislike of everything intellectual.  Your profile also says you don’t like art.  I have to concur with you there.  Art reached it’s apex with the series of paintings of the dogs playing poker on black velvet and has been in a serious decline since.  Also, there are studies that show a definite correlation between art and people acting all weird and shit.
Continue reading

Bear Hat Messiah


Another OKCupid message:

Bear HatIf I had a bear hat like that, there would be little that anyone could do to get me to remove it.  How far would I go to make this happen?  I would spend a couple of years in solitude gathering bear facts, arcane myths and esoteric knowledge – forging the mixture into a newborn religion. Through hours of meditation and painstaking scribing onto homemade paper, my words would be designed to resonate within every soul exposed to them.  This would be bound into a cover of the finest leather by one of the few remaining bookbinding craftsmen. Continue reading

The Feet Don’t Lie


NOTE:  To keep this simple, I am going to assume heterosexual roles for each of my hypothetical people in these situations.

One of my earliest posts was called Body Language in Human Mating Rituals.  While the observations in it were correct, I have to admit I kind of bombed that one.  It was quickly written without adequate time nor thought given to it.  Body language can be very complex.  Sometimes it is as if every part of someone’s body is singing to you and you’re trying to merge each voice into a chorus that tells you a truth beyond words.

The first thing that I teach anyone about reading body language is to look at the feet.  Not only are they one of the easiest, most unambiguous things to read on a person, they tend to tell the truth on a body that may be lying.  Sometimes consciously but I would guess most times not, people try to stifle their body language.  They tend to do this from the head down.  Keeping a poker face would be the first thing you think about.  Keeping your upper body stiff or unnaturally held would be next.  Your legs and feet, however, seem to be oblivious to your mendacity and just hang out down there doing their own thing. Continue reading

My OKCupid Profile


My Self-Summary

Just like everyone else, I am a special snowflake.

Always assume I’m joking.

I am a bi-pedal paradox, a consistent contradiction.

I once made three different people do spit-takes in under a minute. For this I am proud.

I try to find the humor in everything, sometimes even when I shouldn’t.

I always get the bible and the Harry Potter series confused. Continue reading

Another Message You Should Not Send On OKCupid


NSFW

Setup:  I met someone that I really liked.  She was very attractive and funny.  Because I once made sex toys for a living, we’d already had a good bit of sexual discussion before we’d even met.  I felt like I connected with her and her personality was just awesome, but she told me she was already involved with someone sexually.  Her description of him was one of a big, muscular, lumberjack with a beard.

Something you should know about me.  I generally don’t give a shit  Don’t get me wrong.  I might be one of the most kind and giving people you could ever hope to meet.  While I have a basic human need to want to be loved and accepted, I don’t modify my behavior to try to get people to like me.  Either they’ll like me for who I am or not.  I’m not going to be any different.  I am not deterred from competition.  Also, I have testicles the size of Texas, balls the size of Boston, cohones the size of Chicago…. Continue reading

Pop Song Dissection – Deceptacon – Le Tigre


Who took the bomp?

Every day and night
Every day and night
I can see your disco disco dick is sucking my heart out of my mind
I’m outta time
I’m outta fuckin time
I’m a gasoline gut with a vaseline mind, but
Wanna disco?
Wanna see me disco?
Let me hear you depoliticise my rhyme.
One! Two! Three! Four!
You got what you been asking for.
You’re so policy free and you’re fantasy wheels and everything you think
and everything you feel is alright, alright, alright, alright, alright. Continue reading