My Best Face


Alright… I have no problems telling people that I’m on OKCupid.  I obviously don’t take it (or much else) very seriously.  It’s simply a chance to meet new people and have fun.  I finally uploaded a third photo yesterday and noticed that OKCupid has a feature call My Best Face.  They have your photos judged by other members and then tell you which was is determined to be your most attractive picture.  What I did not realize is that they show you who voted for you and who they chose you over or vice versa.  Luckily I am equipped with a titanium-plated ego….

First of all, I beat the following:

I’m sure this was a close call but I beat out what looks like a vintage comic book cover.

Comic - Lost

Here’s one I personally don’t understand.  I would have voted on Dr. Pimpenstein over me any day of the week.

Pimp - Lost Continue reading

Me In Negative


PROTIP: Not that funny until you hover your cursor over the links, then still not that funny…. but I was bored so go to hell.

khaaaaaan!!

My OKCupid Nemesis’ profile in toto:
40 / F / Straight / Single
[redacted, North Carolina (2441 miles)
0% Match
0% Friend
99% Enemy

budlight1971!!!!

I’m really good at
Cleaning and calming kids down

The first things people usually notice about me
Is I’m outgoing

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
I like all kinds of music

I’m looking for

  •     Straight guys only
  •     Ages 34–66
  •     Near me
  •     Who are single
  •     For new friends

You should message me if
U like my profile

Dearest budlight1971,

Ur profile is a testament to the power of understatement.  I see you are a Sagittarian – a heavy smoker and heavy drinker with a dislike of everything intellectual.  Your profile also says you don’t like art.  I have to concur with you there.  Art reached it’s apex with the series of paintings of the dogs playing poker on black velvet and has been in a serious decline since.  Also, there are studies that show a definite correlation between art and people acting all weird and shit.
Continue reading

Bear Hat Messiah


Another OKCupid message:

Bear HatIf I had a bear hat like that, there would be little that anyone could do to get me to remove it.  How far would I go to make this happen?  I would spend a couple of years in solitude gathering bear facts, arcane myths and esoteric knowledge – forging the mixture into a newborn religion. Through hours of meditation and painstaking scribing onto homemade paper, my words would be designed to resonate within every soul exposed to them.  This would be bound into a cover of the finest leather by one of the few remaining bookbinding craftsmen. Continue reading

Another Message You Should Not Send On OKCupid


NSFW

Setup:  I met someone that I really liked.  She was very attractive and funny.  Because I once made sex toys for a living, we’d already had a good bit of sexual discussion before we’d even met.  I felt like I connected with her and her personality was just awesome, but she told me she was already involved with someone sexually.  Her description of him was one of a big, muscular, lumberjack with a beard.

Something you should know about me.  I generally don’t give a shit  Don’t get me wrong.  I might be one of the most kind and giving people you could ever hope to meet.  While I have a basic human need to want to be loved and accepted, I don’t modify my behavior to try to get people to like me.  Either they’ll like me for who I am or not.  I’m not going to be any different.  I am not deterred from competition.  Also, I have testicles the size of Texas, balls the size of Boston, cohones the size of Chicago…. Continue reading