Me In Negative


PROTIP: Not that funny until you hover your cursor over the links, then still not that funny…. but I was bored so go to hell.

khaaaaaan!!

My OKCupid Nemesis’ profile in toto:
40 / F / Straight / Single
[redacted, North Carolina (2441 miles)
0% Match
0% Friend
99% Enemy

budlight1971!!!!

I’m really good at
Cleaning and calming kids down

The first things people usually notice about me
Is I’m outgoing

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
I like all kinds of music

I’m looking for

  •     Straight guys only
  •     Ages 34–66
  •     Near me
  •     Who are single
  •     For new friends

You should message me if
U like my profile

Dearest budlight1971,

Ur profile is a testament to the power of understatement.  I see you are a Sagittarian – a heavy smoker and heavy drinker with a dislike of everything intellectual.  Your profile also says you don’t like art.  I have to concur with you there.  Art reached it’s apex with the series of paintings of the dogs playing poker on black velvet and has been in a serious decline since.  Also, there are studies that show a definite correlation between art and people acting all weird and shit.
Continue reading

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Bear Hat Messiah


Another OKCupid message:

Bear HatIf I had a bear hat like that, there would be little that anyone could do to get me to remove it.  How far would I go to make this happen?  I would spend a couple of years in solitude gathering bear facts, arcane myths and esoteric knowledge – forging the mixture into a newborn religion. Through hours of meditation and painstaking scribing onto homemade paper, my words would be designed to resonate within every soul exposed to them.  This would be bound into a cover of the finest leather by one of the few remaining bookbinding craftsmen. Continue reading

Another Message You Should Not Send On OKCupid


NSFW

Setup:  I met someone that I really liked.  She was very attractive and funny.  Because I once made sex toys for a living, we’d already had a good bit of sexual discussion before we’d even met.  I felt like I connected with her and her personality was just awesome, but she told me she was already involved with someone sexually.  Her description of him was one of a big, muscular, lumberjack with a beard.

Something you should know about me.  I generally don’t give a shit  Don’t get me wrong.  I might be one of the most kind and giving people you could ever hope to meet.  While I have a basic human need to want to be loved and accepted, I don’t modify my behavior to try to get people to like me.  Either they’ll like me for who I am or not.  I’m not going to be any different.  I am not deterred from competition.  Also, I have testicles the size of Texas, balls the size of Boston, cohones the size of Chicago…. Continue reading

The Message to NOT Send On OKCupid


I just typed this long, well-thought out reply to you. The birds stopped chirping and the winds stopped blowing as God silenced all just for a chance the hear my fingers glide across the keys. It was as if they’d always typed that message to you and like the steps to a dance done daily it flowed beyond thought or intention and burst forth from me like pure emotion onto the screen. My feelings gestating in my soul were sequentially born upon the page and lined up like onyx armies ready to storm your heart. Continue reading