Me In Negative


PROTIP: Not that funny until you hover your cursor over the links, then still not that funny…. but I was bored so go to hell.

khaaaaaan!!

My OKCupid Nemesis’ profile in toto:
40 / F / Straight / Single
[redacted, North Carolina (2441 miles)
0% Match
0% Friend
99% Enemy

budlight1971!!!!

I’m really good at
Cleaning and calming kids down

The first things people usually notice about me
Is I’m outgoing

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
I like all kinds of music

I’m looking for

  •     Straight guys only
  •     Ages 34–66
  •     Near me
  •     Who are single
  •     For new friends

You should message me if
U like my profile

Dearest budlight1971,

Ur profile is a testament to the power of understatement.  I see you are a Sagittarian – a heavy smoker and heavy drinker with a dislike of everything intellectual.  Your profile also says you don’t like art.  I have to concur with you there.  Art reached it’s apex with the series of paintings of the dogs playing poker on black velvet and has been in a serious decline since.  Also, there are studies that show a definite correlation between art and people acting all weird and shit.
Continue reading

Advertisements

Bear Hat Messiah


Another OKCupid message:

Bear HatIf I had a bear hat like that, there would be little that anyone could do to get me to remove it.  How far would I go to make this happen?  I would spend a couple of years in solitude gathering bear facts, arcane myths and esoteric knowledge – forging the mixture into a newborn religion. Through hours of meditation and painstaking scribing onto homemade paper, my words would be designed to resonate within every soul exposed to them.  This would be bound into a cover of the finest leather by one of the few remaining bookbinding craftsmen. Continue reading

Confessions of a Book Voyeur


I used to think I was a freak.  In the age of the internet I now realize that, though I am pretty unique in my life perspective, I have light years to travel before I deserve the moniker of “freak”.  I have no major fetishes to speak of.  While I love sex and variation within my sex life, my sex never includes any bodily fluids other than the expected, no animal costumes nor anything that requires power tools. I’m rarely caught on film being pugilistic, I harbor no major prejudices, I’m not prone to conspiratorial thinking (except the Chupacabra, that shit is real) and political debates don’t agitate me though they are a good excuse to agitate others. Continue reading

Moonlight Serenade: Letters From A Distant Lover Throughout History #4


Play this
 
Brooklyn, NY, USA
September 5th, 1939

My Dearest Genevieve,

brooklyn streetThis morning’s sun found it’s way through that little hole in the shade your brother made last Christmas and blinded me awake long enough to hear the boy on the corner hawking his rag with shouts of war.  I went down to see what the fuss was about and flipped him a nickel for the pleasure.  We got the news 2 days ago about Germany and Poland but now I see France is joining in.  I don’t care how much moolah Donavan is raking in from the Toulouse shows, he needs to pull up stakes and get the whole caravan to make tracks or he’s going to hear it from me.  You know what a pill I can be when it comes to you.  Continue reading

Last Charge: Letters From A Distant Lover Throughout History #3


 

Strathnaver, Sutherlandshire, Scotland
Feb 1818

My lovely Gen,

I sit this morn by the cairn at Grumbeg, looking out over the loch as if the words I need should arrive by sail. The sun has just breached the cleft in the hills and it’s beams alight on a day full of so many promises, both the best and worst. These are promises I feel God intends to keep by nightfall. Continue reading

Reassembled Quanti-Beam: Letters From A Distant Lover Throughout History #2


Jaldor5
00028098370.56 UT

Gen,

We’ve arrived at Jaldor5 just in time to see one moon rise as one set, all bathed in a slightly blue tint by the closest star.  It was quite an experience, especially considering it was the first thing my eyes took in after seeing nothing but the inside of the ship for 8 months.  The only thing that was missing was you.  I put my hand out and pretended I could feel the familiar softness of your skin there warming my palms.  I envisioned you there beside me and did not dare turn my head as I did not want to break the illusion of your company at that moment.  Illusions can be dangerous out here, but my smoke and mirrors keep me going when it comes to thoughts of you.  I would have taken a shot with my helmcam but the beacon was damaged on atmospheric entry.  Expect a quanti-beam of our surroundings once that is functional. Continue reading

Dispatch: Letters From A Distant Lover Throughout History #1


Miller’s Creek area
Jul 19 1863

Dearest Genevieve,

Civil War CampWe just made landfall for the first and last time today.  Despite the fire not yet being built, I gladly avail myself of this opportunity to make this inscription as these dispatches and the words they contain are the last remaining link to you, though there shall be hell to pay should the Sergeant be made aware of my transgression.  I consider this an equitable trade for the chance at capturing my thoughts in a timely manner. Continue reading