Me In Negative


PROTIP: Not that funny until you hover your cursor over the links, then still not that funny…. but I was bored so go to hell.

khaaaaaan!!

My OKCupid Nemesis’ profile in toto:
40 / F / Straight / Single
[redacted, North Carolina (2441 miles)
0% Match
0% Friend
99% Enemy

budlight1971!!!!

I’m really good at
Cleaning and calming kids down

The first things people usually notice about me
Is I’m outgoing

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
I like all kinds of music

I’m looking for

  •     Straight guys only
  •     Ages 34–66
  •     Near me
  •     Who are single
  •     For new friends

You should message me if
U like my profile

Dearest budlight1971,

Ur profile is a testament to the power of understatement.  I see you are a Sagittarian – a heavy smoker and heavy drinker with a dislike of everything intellectual.  Your profile also says you don’t like art.  I have to concur with you there.  Art reached it’s apex with the series of paintings of the dogs playing poker on black velvet and has been in a serious decline since.  Also, there are studies that show a definite correlation between art and people acting all weird and shit.
Continue reading

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Bear Hat Messiah


Another OKCupid message:

Bear HatIf I had a bear hat like that, there would be little that anyone could do to get me to remove it.  How far would I go to make this happen?  I would spend a couple of years in solitude gathering bear facts, arcane myths and esoteric knowledge – forging the mixture into a newborn religion. Through hours of meditation and painstaking scribing onto homemade paper, my words would be designed to resonate within every soul exposed to them.  This would be bound into a cover of the finest leather by one of the few remaining bookbinding craftsmen. Continue reading

You don’t know, man! You weren’t there!


OPERATION CHLORAKILL:
Report Time: May 12th, 10:09 hours PST
Location:45.448812,-122.712193

Missing In Action

From the Fire In The Jungle Blog. Check it!

08:00 PST: Having abandoned the lower yard during the monsoons, I was sent on a recon mission to assess the situation and ordnance needed. I observed more weeds than I have ever seen and retreated to House Force 1/Garage Attachment.

08:11 PST: Desperate times. I opted for 2 gallons of barely diluted Round-Up as I will be alone in the mission and am greatly outnumbered. Having successfully snuck up on the enemy, I was immediately set upon by a nest of bees. I knew they were strong but did not expect attacks from their aerial apian allies. I retreated for more weaponry and assistance. Continue reading

SPOILER ALERT:


I don’t know which of you might have seen The Cabin In The Woods but towards the last 5 or 10 minutes I was starting to get the feeling that maybe this movie wasn’t really about a cabin.

My new favorite thing…


… is walking out of a room and then walking back in a minute later, pretending I’ve been gone for weeks and was in an alternate reality where I either did not exist or my relationship with everyone was altered.  I ecstatically kiss and hug everyone, telling them how glad I am to see them and how much I missed them, doing a poor job at containing my excitement at being back in reality with those I love.  I like to point out something trivial and say something like “That old chair!  Ha.  Good old chair!  I thought I’d never see you again.”  Of course, I can’t help sneaking a bit of Jimmy Stewart-ese in when I do it á la this clip.

You seriously should try doing this some time.

Confessions of a Book Voyeur


I used to think I was a freak.  In the age of the internet I now realize that, though I am pretty unique in my life perspective, I have light years to travel before I deserve the moniker of “freak”.  I have no major fetishes to speak of.  While I love sex and variation within my sex life, my sex never includes any bodily fluids other than the expected, no animal costumes nor anything that requires power tools. I’m rarely caught on film being pugilistic, I harbor no major prejudices, I’m not prone to conspiratorial thinking (except the Chupacabra, that shit is real) and political debates don’t agitate me though they are a good excuse to agitate others. Continue reading