Me In Negative

PROTIP: Not that funny until you hover your cursor over the links, then still not that funny…. but I was bored so go to hell.


My OKCupid Nemesis’ profile in toto:
40 / F / Straight / Single
[redacted, North Carolina (2441 miles)
0% Match
0% Friend
99% Enemy


I’m really good at
Cleaning and calming kids down

The first things people usually notice about me
Is I’m outgoing

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
I like all kinds of music

I’m looking for

  •     Straight guys only
  •     Ages 34–66
  •     Near me
  •     Who are single
  •     For new friends

You should message me if
U like my profile

Dearest budlight1971,

Ur profile is a testament to the power of understatement.  I see you are a Sagittarian – a heavy smoker and heavy drinker with a dislike of everything intellectual.  Your profile also says you don’t like art.  I have to concur with you there.  Art reached it’s apex with the series of paintings of the dogs playing poker on black velvet and has been in a serious decline since.  Also, there are studies that show a definite correlation between art and people acting all weird and shit.

A couple of questions about your profile as I am moving to North Carolina and am looking to have “a good time” (wink wink ;)   When it says you are really good at “cleaning and calming kids down”, does that mean:

  • You are good at cleaning and you are good at calming kids down?
  • You are good at cleaning kids and good at calming them down?
  • Or you are good at calming down your kids through the act of cleaning them?

I ask because I’m an agoraphobic who recently developed claustrophia after a accidentally locking myself in a dog crate as a result of consuming too much cough syrup.  Most of my free time is spent running in and out of the house screaming.  I’ve found a bath really calms me down but yours is the only profile I could find with someone who is really good at “calming and cleaning”.  I don’t want to put you on the spot but this is important to me for obvious reasons.

Music…… wow…… am I right or what?  Have you heard that song by those people about  the guy and he’s talking about the girl and they’re in love and the radio station plays it all the time.  God I love that.  Even though it’s on every 45 minutes, it’s still not enough for me.  I’m talking with a guy through Craigslist that says he’ll sell me his radio station if I pre-pay to his PO Box.  My station will play 2 things – Nickleback and that song.  I’ll give you the dial position once I learn it.  This is going to be killer!

I like your picture.  You know,  the single one you have of your on your profile… the one that looks like it was taken at a strip-mall Applebee’s.  Those virginal white booty-shorts show off your legs and that blue, velour running jacket really shows off your eyes.  Your daughter is really cute!  Is she yours?

Anywho.  Check out my profile and if you ever want to have a Skype session ripping on ‘readers‘ and people who think for themselves – hit me up!  Just make sure you do it between the hours of 7PM and 11PM which is my free time between my ‘stories’ and when the reality shows start.

Peace out,

NOTE: This is the only one of my OKCupid messages on here that is not real. I think it’s funny but I’m not cruel.


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