Bear Hat Messiah


Another OKCupid message:

Bear HatIf I had a bear hat like that, there would be little that anyone could do to get me to remove it.  How far would I go to make this happen?  I would spend a couple of years in solitude gathering bear facts, arcane myths and esoteric knowledge – forging the mixture into a newborn religion. Through hours of meditation and painstaking scribing onto homemade paper, my words would be designed to resonate within every soul exposed to them.  This would be bound into a cover of the finest leather by one of the few remaining bookbinding craftsmen.

Book under arm, I would wander both dusty back roads and lanes of perpetual asphalt, preaching the Gospel of the Bear Hat.  Slowly, adherents would gather to my feet and we would snowball across the country in a cavalcade of cute-hattedness until we were a religious force to be reckoned with.  Once firmly established, political figures would put on Bear Hats in public and claim to have always been devotees of Winnie.  Vapid celebrities would wax idiotic about the more vague areas of my teaching and rifts would form within the community leading to Bear Hat purists and Bear Hat reformists.  I would slowly back away from public view and return to the world.

Once there I would seek out a job, now secure under the auspices of religious protections.  My Bear Hat could not be a determining factor in neither hiring nor could they make rules stating I must remove it in the office.  Restaurants must now serve me despite dress codes disallowing hats.  No matter where I was, I would lay down after lunch on The Mat of Napping.  Did, I mention there were naps involved?  Yeah…. it’s in The Book of Bear  at 1 Smokey 13:2 and Yogi 3:19-23.  Anyone infringing on my rights to perpetual Bear-Hattedness and Naps would be subject to a deluge of lawyers clutching subpoenas in their sweaty little palms.  I would use my inevitable windfall to buy……. wait for it…… more Bear Hats.  Platinum-plated Bear Hats, Bear Hats entirely made of peacock feathers and more.  I would hire scientists and explorers to hunt down the very last of some creature on the oxygen-thin peaks of an Andean mountain-range or the humid Pacific jungles and skin it for my Coelacanth or Dodo-skinned Bear Hat.

Indian DanceSo…….yeah.  I think that hat’s pretty cute.  Also, I see you’re into Salsa.  I do (once I’ve been drinking) a form of Salsa while making these hand movements and facial expression.  I call it Curried Mango Salsa.  It’s really not about the dance or the hands.  I’m obsessed with Indian eyebrow movements for some reason.

 
Yours in Winnie the Pooh,
Brother Greg

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