Setup: I met someone that I really liked. She was very attractive and funny. Because I once made sex toys for a living, we’d already had a good bit of sexual discussion before we’d even met. I felt like I connected with her and her personality was just awesome, but she told me she was already involved with someone sexually. Her description of him was one of a big, muscular, lumberjack with a beard.
Something you should know about me. I generally don’t give a shit Don’t get me wrong. I might be one of the most kind and giving people you could ever hope to meet. While I have a basic human need to want to be loved and accepted, I don’t modify my behavior to try to get people to like me. Either they’ll like me for who I am or not. I’m not going to be any different. I am not deterred from competition. Also, I have testicles the size of Texas, balls the size of Boston, cohones the size of Chicago….
She said she already had plans to meet this guy before she’d met me and needed to stick to it. Though I’d just met her in the flesh, I went for broke and though I can’t remember what I said, it was along the lines of “You should completely alter your well-established plans to go out with the guy 15 years my junior with the body of Adonis’s better looking brother and the cock of Thor and take me home instead. Dump the hero and get with a zero, baby”. At this point you should refer back to the circumference of my testicles and my dearth of shits to distribute.
It was obvious she was not that hot on me and politely declined. I in no way hold it against her and it makes perfect sense. My response to rejection of my offer was “You realize I’m going to jerk off thinking about him fucking you, right?” That’s me. Take it or leave it although I did feel a little weird about it afterwards (general reader reaction: no fucking shit!). Here is how I smooth things over. If you play the youtube video in the background where it says STOP, it is much funnier.
EDIT: I should clarify that this person found this hilarious and this is not something I would send just anyone. This made sense in context.
50 SHADES OF BRAWNY
“ Ha. I was reading over my last few messages to you. Is it possible to be retarded and not know it? But as it is, when I fall, I dive, so….. full frontal assault of stupidity.
I did not know what the guy looked like other than your general description so I had to envision him as the Brawny Paper Towel Man with a beard. You know, most people just go straight to the sex when they masturbate. I like to build it up a little. Here’s how it went down in my head:
You are at a hole in the wall dive by yourself, having a drink at the bar and talking to the man behind the counter. The Brawny Paper Towel Man (hereafter known as BPTM) has been playing pool and eyeing you but you haven’t noticed as you are engrossed in conversation with the barkeep. The game breaks up and the men shake hands and go back to their respective tables with the exception of BPTM.
STOP:: click this, wait for it to start and then continue reading – Click Here
He leans slightly over the table and looks at you with a fierce intensity of a man who knows exactly what he wants. Barry White’s “Can’t Get Enough Of Your Love” comes on. As chance would have it, the waitress chooses that exact moment to lower the overhead lights just a little. Barry’s baritone whisperings of love float through the low murmuring of conversations in the room. When BPTM sets the pool cue down it is perfectly synchronized with the first beat of the snare. His feet, as if led by the driving staccato rhythm of the percussion, walk indian-style in a direct path to you; his eyes never leave you.
You know he is there before he’s said a word. Whether it is a wave of pheromones or some electrical charge he emits, your pupils dilate, your heart quickens it’s pace and you are flushed before you’ve consciously noticed his presence. When he speaks lowly mere inches from your ears, you feel the sound waves as they resonate through your body, creating a tingling pleasure.
“May I buy you a drink?” says BPTM. His deep, mellifluous voice is slightly breathy.
“Suuuurree……” You’ve started saying it before you’ve even met his gaze and once your eyes lock, your voice trails off as you are shocked at the rough symmetry, the granite jaw-line and eyes that reach straight into you.
He sits beside you and moves your stools to face each other. The room disappears… you don’t even notice that the drink has come and you’ve been sipping on it. It’s already built up within you, the animal desire and throbbing lust. There is no doubt where this is going and you are going to take it there one way or another. As you set your drink down, he suggests you go back to his place. Your jacket is in your hand and you’ve lowered yourself from the stool before he can even finish the sentence. It’s been 5 minutes since you’ve started talking. Despite the Bounty propaganda, The Brawny Paper Towel Man is indeed the quicker-picker-upper. The scene fades into black….
AUTHOR’S NOTE: I’ve decided to make this PG-13 as I only have about 10 minutes to spend on all this today and I don’t want to offend you too badly as I’ve just met you.
AUTHOR’S SUBCONSCIOUS NOTE: Uh, helloooooo dumbass. You already told her you were jerking off to her having sex the the Brawny-fucking-Paper-Towel-Man. You’re such a fucking idiot. I can’t believe I’m stuck with you
AUTHOR’S NOTE: Shuddup stoopid subconscious
The scene fades in:
The BPTM is under the sheet, rolling off of you as you make a long, deep sound of utter content. You’ve sucked, straddled, licked, ground, rubbed, jerked, caressed, pulled and spread. He filled you completely and over the last couple of hours you’ve lost track of how many times you’ve cum… each one more momentous than the other, as if you exploded into a million pieces a million times over. You’ve never known pleasure like that. Your legs are shaking and you doubt you could stand if you tried. Coming in circadian gasps, your breathing is still heavy from exertion.
BPTM pulls the sheet back revealing his chiseled body and huge cock still half hard. Your entire body is covered in a sheen of sweat. He stops the progression of one drip rolling down your face with his index finger and sticks it in his mouth. Getting up onto his knees, he puts one of his massive hands under the small of your back, easily lifting you into the air. The sudden movement of air around your wet body feels good after so much heat. With his other hand, he reaches down to one of the dozen rolls of paper towels beside his bed and pulls a sheet off. He wipes you from head to toe, drying your body before lowering you gently back to the bed. He’s still on his knees and looking at you like he could go again.
He lifts the sheet up to shoulder height and holds it out with a straight arm. It is translucent with moisture and the small lamp on the far side of the room shines dimly through it. In a voice made of sex and testosterone, a voice that rolls like thunder, he says, “Brawny. Each 11″ x 10.5″ sheet; an ideal balance of softness, strength and absorbency; can hold up to 9 oz. of liquids.” AND THAT, that is when I came. You’re welcome.
Original 1974 Brawny man, not the emo pussy they have now – http://indiainkelephant.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/brawny.jpg
Barry White appears courtesy of EMI records – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0I6mhZ5wMw
Brawny facts and dimensions – http://www.brawnytowels.com/faq.html and http://www.staples.com/Brawny-White-Perforated-Paper-Towel-Rolls-2-Ply-12-Rolls-Case/product_852190
“The quicker picker upper” is a copyrighted by Bounty but used under fair use guidelines – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bounty_%28brand%29 “
DISCLAIMER: I have changed this very slightly from the one I sent her. I corrected some spelling mistakes, changed 4-5 words and added a sentence.