Botched Pick-Up Line #1


Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?

Because I want to have sex with you and don’t want to exacerbate your injuries.

My Best Face


Alright… I have no problems telling people that I’m on OKCupid.  I obviously don’t take it (or much else) very seriously.  It’s simply a chance to meet new people and have fun.  I finally uploaded a third photo yesterday and noticed that OKCupid has a feature call My Best Face.  They have your photos judged by other members and then tell you which was is determined to be your most attractive picture.  What I did not realize is that they show you who voted for you and who they chose you over or vice versa.  Luckily I am equipped with a titanium-plated ego….

First of all, I beat the following:

I’m sure this was a close call but I beat out what looks like a vintage comic book cover.

Comic - Lost

Here’s one I personally don’t understand.  I would have voted on Dr. Pimpenstein over me any day of the week.

Pimp - Lost Continue reading

Me In Negative


PROTIP: Not that funny until you hover your cursor over the links, then still not that funny…. but I was bored so go to hell.

khaaaaaan!!

My OKCupid Nemesis’ profile in toto:
40 / F / Straight / Single
[redacted, North Carolina (2441 miles)
0% Match
0% Friend
99% Enemy

budlight1971!!!!

I’m really good at
Cleaning and calming kids down

The first things people usually notice about me
Is I’m outgoing

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
I like all kinds of music

I’m looking for

  •     Straight guys only
  •     Ages 34–66
  •     Near me
  •     Who are single
  •     For new friends

You should message me if
U like my profile

Dearest budlight1971,

Ur profile is a testament to the power of understatement.  I see you are a Sagittarian – a heavy smoker and heavy drinker with a dislike of everything intellectual.  Your profile also says you don’t like art.  I have to concur with you there.  Art reached it’s apex with the series of paintings of the dogs playing poker on black velvet and has been in a serious decline since.  Also, there are studies that show a definite correlation between art and people acting all weird and shit.
Continue reading

Bear Hat Messiah


Another OKCupid message:

Bear HatIf I had a bear hat like that, there would be little that anyone could do to get me to remove it.  How far would I go to make this happen?  I would spend a couple of years in solitude gathering bear facts, arcane myths and esoteric knowledge – forging the mixture into a newborn religion. Through hours of meditation and painstaking scribing onto homemade paper, my words would be designed to resonate within every soul exposed to them.  This would be bound into a cover of the finest leather by one of the few remaining bookbinding craftsmen. Continue reading

I Probably Should Not Admit This


I worked as a glassblower making dildos and butt plugs for a living.  No, this is not what I have been keeping secret.  Actually, I’m quite proud of this and try to find ways to work it into my conversations.  “How about this Presidential campaign, huh?  Boy, it’s really heating up!  You know….. that reminds me of when I used to heat up Pyrex to about 3,000 degrees and fashion it lovingly into butt plugs…..”.    Though it was completely unnecessary, I had a business card made that read:

Greg [redacted]
Blower of Dicks and Seller of Schlongs
Free Installation With Purchase!

I may even get my headstone to read something like:

Here lies Greg [redacted]
Butt Plug Artisan
Born XX/XX/197X  -  Died XX/XX/20XX
Though He Has Gone Home To Jesus
His Work Will Live On In & Out Of Us

Continue reading

Sites You Must Visit


Completely stolen from this Reddit post (go there for many more).  Juvenile but funny.

Do you have any to add?

You don’t know, man! You weren’t there!


OPERATION CHLORAKILL:
Report Time: May 12th, 10:09 hours PST
Location:45.448812,-122.712193

Missing In Action

From the Fire In The Jungle Blog. Check it!

08:00 PST: Having abandoned the lower yard during the monsoons, I was sent on a recon mission to assess the situation and ordnance needed. I observed more weeds than I have ever seen and retreated to House Force 1/Garage Attachment.

08:11 PST: Desperate times. I opted for 2 gallons of barely diluted Round-Up as I will be alone in the mission and am greatly outnumbered. Having successfully snuck up on the enemy, I was immediately set upon by a nest of bees. I knew they were strong but did not expect attacks from their aerial apian allies. I retreated for more weaponry and assistance. Continue reading